Anyway the above said ill fitting uniform wearing c*** stopped me and said, “if you didn’t want those papers then you should have put them back in the right place.” I replied, “as long as I am not taking anything out of the shop then I can re-arrange the shelves in any way I see fit.” We gave each other a stare then I trounced off.

The one thing that I have eased of though with feelings of frustration is my career. Up until about a year ago I was always in a constant state of worry about it, “it’s not going the way I want” “why I do I never get asked to do certain things” these thoughts would clog up my mind for most of the waking day. It was starting to make me ill. Now I really do not care, I care about my career obviously but I have decided that ploughing my own path is more important. By worrying about myself I didn’t really have much time to be petty about other day to day things.

It’s very easy to get frustrated though in comedy, every day that you read Chortle there is always some story about someone you have never heard of either appearing on a panel show or actually getting their own show. You know what? Good luck to them, they will be in a constant state of worry over their careers while I’ll slowly turn into the nutter that shouts at things in the street. I’ll be happy doing it as well.

I had opened at the Slaughterhouse and made my way around the corner to The Slug and lettuce to go on in the middle spot, things were running to time. They needed to be because after The Slug I had to make my way to Manchester for two further gigs. When I arrived at The Slug I did the usual thing of asking the compere (Kevin Dewsbury, an old mate of mine) if there was anything that had happened or anybody in the room I should be aware of. He pointed out a joint Stag and Hen do that occupied the first two rows. A joint Stag and Hen do, christ! That is a modern phenomenon that leaves me confused. After a gentle opening I talked to the couple to be because they were sat right in front of me, I did this mainly so I could do a bit of material I have about a stag do that went horribly wrong.

The routine worked and the stag was laughing, then right at the end of it; the hen in fits of tears was escorted out of the room by the stag. When I asked what was wrong, he called me a “dick head” eh? What was it I said? They were followed by her parents, which was probably a show of solidarity but her Father told me that I wasn’t funny. This elicited a response from quite a few of the audience, which was a blessed relief to myself, they were on my side.

I was now left with the rest of the Stag/Hen do staring at me. Again I ask “What was it I am supposed to have said?” and gave them the option of leaving with the couple if they thought I was a dickhead. None of them did, I wish a few of them had because they did the thing that all comics hate, a few of them quite clearly decided that they would force themselves not to enjoy any of my set. This usually happens when you have told somebody off in the crowd for talking or you have slammed some heckler so they then think “alright then, we’ll stare at you” which can be off putting when you are new to the game but with experience you don’t mind because at least they are not talking and disrupting the show.

Anyway, through the rest of my set all I kept thinking is, “what was it I said that provoked such a response”. I realised that it must have been the first thing I said to them, “I find the idea of a joint Stag and Hen do quite abhorrent, you clearly already have major trust issues with each other.” Maybe I had touched a nerve or evoked a bad memory, I’ll never know.

I have in the past had some ridiculous conversations and arguments after gigs with people that were upset by things I said. I used to do a routine about old people getting on buses and once after a gig a guy had a go at me because his cousin was knocked down by a bus. What the fuck!

We can’t do surveys with people on the way in and ask them if there are any key words that comedians should avoid in case they upset someone, we’d be left with fuck all to talk about. Some comics as we know go out of their way to insult and offend people, most though don’t. All I know now though is that pretty soon a couple will be getting married and the memory of their stag and hen do will be tainted by the fact that somehow I upset her.

I spent the rest of Saturday evening pondering and wondering what it was that made me such an arse in her eyes. Now though I am not too bothered, if you’re that sensitive then a comedy club is the worst place to be. Go to a pottery class or just stay at home and get offended by the TV.

I feel pretty confident that nothing will happen. Who would have thought that the botched arrest of the unarmed most wanted man in the world would lead to such a safe environment.
When I first heard the breaking news about the Beard of Terror I was half asleep and half not paying attention, I spent a good ten minutes sat in absolute incredulity, “Why the fuck has Seal killed Bin Laden?” I mean what would Heidi Klum think of her husband now? Turns out it was the Navy Seals, who are real people by the way. Which is slightly disappointing. It’s also disappointing that Fish and Seal have never done a duet.
This morning I have a renewed sense of vigour now the world is a safer place, so with that vigour in hand we are off to look for a decent second hand car. We have spent the last couple of days glued to Autotrader in the hope of spotting something within our budget and capable of lasting at least three years. People have been banging on lately about this being the best time to buy a second hand car now the economy is knackered. Some of the things I have heard are a little unbelievable,

“I got a two year old BMW with 10,000 miles for two biscuits and a fingering!”

What has been particularly interesting is the various consumer reviews about some of the cars, which to be honest are not that helpful. They seem to range from the OTT to the dull.

“This car is brilliant, I had a shit in it and it doesn’t smell. Very economical on petrol.”

“This is the worst car I have ever had, I keep knocking people down because of a blind spot. On the plus side the boot is big.”
I don’t drive myself, never learned. She does the driving, so she will have the final say on the car. It amuses when me people find out that I don’t drive, the same conversation always seems to happen.

“How old are you?”

“I’m 42”

“You’re 42 and you can’t drive?”

This fascination with my age against my lack of driving makes me giggle, It’s as if I’m breaking some cosmic ruling concerning age and driving ability. They usually follow this line of questioning with,

“What, so you have never driven?”

“No.”

“Really? Wow!”

You get the sense that I could ease their disbelief by saying that I used to drive but had a terrible accident and decided to never drive again.I would like to drive but as I said earlier I suffer from “Can’t be arsed” I have phoned a few driving schools about Intensive driving courses and not Crash Courses as one lady was at pains to tell me is, “not the correct terminology.”
Anyway, I blame Bin Laden. His beard of terror has stopped me from enjoying the freedom of carefree driving.

Almost two years ago at the 2009 Edinburgh Festival, I started messing around with a routine about Ugg boots. It was almost a revenge piece about the women that were ruining my show at the time. I worked on the routine and it became an integral part of my Edinburgh show last year. I have just been informed that Chris Addison has done a very similar routine on TV, Dave’s One Night Stand.
There is no question that anything un-toward has happened, I haven’t worked with Chris for a few years or seen him perform and vice versa. He has just had the same idea as myself.

“What can you do?” (New York accent in my head)

What it does mean though, I won’t be able to perform my routine anymore. People will wrongly accuse me of stealing my own material because they have seen somebody do it on the telly. It was a bit I enjoyed doing but will do no more.
It terms of style in stand up, things have changed a lot over the last couple of years. I have to be careful here that I don’t sound like a bitter c***. It seems to me of late that all you have to do is talk about things that happened at other gigs for twenty minutes, stories about heckle put downs or something amazing that happened in the gig. I’ve been doing stand up for 13 years and to be honest nothing that remarkable has happened but the style seems to be these days that you just do a report on your previous gigs. I don’t get it, I always thought you had to write material. For example 98% of my true stories never happened.
There is a hell of a lot of comedy snobbery out there and I can be just as snobby (see above). I’ve never been a fan of the pull back and reveal but when you start comedy it’s a very easy thing to write. Last year I was privy to a conversation that was slagging this kind of joke off, what made me angry was the fact that the people doing the slagging off were not comedians. So out of sheer pettiness I purposely wrote a pull back and reveal for my Edinburgh show last year and it had three reveals. Not many of them for a pound.
So, I’ll keep trying to stay ahead of the game, try to be original but it’s not always easy. If you think something is funny, you can bet your bottom Euro that somebody else thinks the same way. If you are a new comic and you are reading this try and see these following comics on the circuit, you’ll get a great understanding of various writing styles and performance styles. In no particular order go and see, Gavin Webster, Steve Gribbin, Tom Stade, Ian Cognito, Anvil Springstein, Justin Moorhouse, Gary Delaney, Roger Monkhouse, Paul Thorne, Sean Meo, John Maloney, Seymour Mace, Craig Campbell, Mike Wilmot, Tony Law, Glen Wool, Phil Nichol (Loads of Canadians) Andy Askins, Tom Wrigglesworth, Steve Hughes, Alex Boardman, Dan Nightingale, christ, there are loads more. Apologies for not putting down your name, I’m sure as soon as I’ve posted this loads more will spring to mind.

I’m off to buy some Ugg Boots.